BARGAIN HOTEL FINDER
Travel Jokes

SICK OF TRAVEL
As a romantic gesture, Dave's new wife had booked them both on a round the world cruise. Unfortunately she didn't know that he suffered from chronic seasickness. Dave went to see his doctor and begged him to help.
"Every morning eat two fresh tomatoes, a can of sweetcorn and an orange."
"Will that cure my seasickness?" asked Dave.
"No," said the doctor, "but it'll look very pretty on the water!"

A SLIGHT HITCH
A father was furious when he found out that his daughter had hitched her way around the world, alone. "My God," he screamed. "You could have been raped, murdered, anything could have happened!"
"But, Dad," the pretty young daughter pleased, "I was in no danger, really. Whenever I got a lift, I'd tell them that I was hitching back to Britain becuause we've got the best treatment for sexually-transmitted diseases."

MINT ON THE MOVE
A woman is checking in at the airport. "I'm flying to New York," she tells the ticket agent. "But
I'd like the blue case to go to Seattle and the brown case to go to Dublin."
"We can't do that," says the ticket agent.
"Why not? That's what you did last time!"

MINT ON THE MOVE
One clue that your staying in a bad hotel is if the mint on your pillow moves.

A NOD'S AS GOOD AS A WINK...
A tourist runs his car off the road in a remote area of Bulgaria. Luckily, a farmer passes with a horse and (even more miraculously) speaks English and offers to help.
The farmer hitches the horse to be back of the car and yells: 'Mush, Ivan, Mush!' The horse doesn't move.
Then he shouts: 'Mush, Gregor, Mush!' The horse ignores him again.
Next he yells: 'Mush, Vladimir, mush!' The horse does nothing.
Finally he shouts: 'Mush, Yuri, mush!' and the horse leaps into action and pulls the car out of the ditch.
The tourist thanks the farmer, offers him some money and says: 'I was a little curious about what you called the horse. Did you forget its name?'
'No, sir,' says the farmer. 'You see Yuri is blind and very lazy. If he thought he was the only horse pulling he wouldn't have even tried.'

SUPERGRASS
A millioniare is renting a villa in a remote part of Europe and goes for a drive in his Rolls Royce. Passing a field they see two men eating grass in a field. 'Pull over,' he tells the chauffer.
'Why are you eating grass?' he asks the peasants.
'Because we have no money for food,' replies one of the men.
'Get in, get in,' says the millionaire.
'But we have wives and many children...' the poor man replies.
'No problem. Get them all, you can all come.'
With difficulty the chauffer loads the two men, their wives and 12 children into the Rolls Royce and they set off for the villa.
'Thank you so much sir, for taking us and our families with you,' one of the poor men says to the millionaire.
'Think nothing of it, my man,' replies the millionaire. 'You will all soon have more than you can ever eat. The grass at my villa must be three feet tall.'

PILOT ERROR
A pilot finishes talking to the passengers after the plane has taken off, and forgets to turn off the intercom. He says to the co-pilot: 'I think I'll go take a dump and then find out if that new blonde stewardess will let me screw her.'
The stewardess hears it, is horified and runs up the aisle to give the pilot a piece of her mind and tell him his microphone is on. In her haste she trips and falls.
A little old lady helps her up and says: 'There's no rush, dearie. He said he had to take a dump first.'

THE FUTURES MARKET
The seaside is where Brits traditionally spend their two weeks off work.
Fortune-tellers are often a feature of these resorts. Two of them are discussing the weather.
'It's lovely and hot,' says one.
'Yes, dear,' replies the other. 'Reminds me of the summer of 2013.'

NO WAY OUT
The farmer goes to the big city for the first time and checks into a hotel. After an hour he rings down to reception.
'What can I do for you, sir?' asks the clerk.
'It's Mr Jones here in 202. You've made a mistake and given me a room without an exit.'
'What do you mean "without an exit"? All our rooms have doors, sir.'
Well, there are three doors, but none of them will get me out.
One leads into a little bathroom, another is a closet and the third has a "Do-Not Disturb" sign on it.'